This exercise is taken from the book Writing Vivid Dialogue: Professional Techniques for Fiction Authors by Rayne Hall. This is one of the many amazing craft books out there that can help a writer strengthen their works. I have always had a difficult time with writing great dialogue. I thought it would be fun for you to see an “editing” process and how these exercises work.
“Choose a scene from a fiction draft you’ve written, where the dialogue feels dull. Revise it so each character has an agenda.”
**This scene is taken from one of my works in progress The Love Bribe. When Paul is faced with an audit, he tries in vain to bribe the auditor with money. The auditor twists the terms, Paul is to take the auditor’s lonely mother, Mary, out for several dates throughout a given time period. Paul picks up Mary, who is from China, and begins his first awkward date.**
Original:
“So,” I said, rubbing my hands together in the awkward moments, “where are you from?”
“Are you married?” she asked, abruptly.
I started a little. That infringes on the number one thing to not ask (author note: earlier he said asking about ex’s is a date faux pa), but I suppose being married is different from divorce. I can see why you would want to know if there was a present, non-ex in the picture.
“Uh, divorced. Married for four years, divorced, single, and childless for twenty-four.” More information than she asked, but I figured I’d cover all the bases before she asked.
She seemed satisfied. “I am from a province called Ningxia.”
Not much of a conversationalist. Lucky for her, I knew a thing or two about how to keep a conversation flowing.
“How did you come to the States?”
“I was accepted to a university in Beijing,” she said this so differently from how I was used to hearing it “while I was there I fell in love with one of the teachers. He took me back to America and I have been here ever since.”
Aw, that was a cute story. I wish she would have elaborated. “What was his name?”
“Matthew. I thought it was such a beautiful name. Then I came here to find so many Matthews,” for the first time, her face broke from her mutual state and looked profoundly annoyed that her husband shared his name with so many other men.
I laughed. “Yeah, there are some names I refused to name my child, back when I actually thought I would have any, and Matthew was definitely one of them.”
We sat in silence until the man returned with a plate of what I recognized as dumplings from other restaurants.
“Dumplings,” she said.
She pointed at the round, fluffy ones, “Boiled,” and then to the thing, browner ones, “and fried.”
I actually knew the difference between the two, but did not want to tell her.
“Funny,” I said pointed to the fried ones, “how those are thinner since fried food usually makes you fat.”
She was not amused.
“Er, well. I was in the Navy. Did my time and retired when I could. I went to Bangkok, Thailand once. Once is all you need, eh?”
I smiled, she was not amused.
Come to think of it, most girls are not amused by that joke … I wonder why.
“I liked the food there.”
Nothing.
“I thought I would be in the Navy for my whole life. I thought I would die on the ship and they would toss my body into the great big ocean. Little did I know that it wouldn’t take long them to try to keep me from jumping off instead!”
I laughed, she didn’t.
*****Revised:
Agenda: Paul – to hide the bribe
Mary: (the reader finds out later she knows what’s going on) to endure the date for her son
“So,” I said, rubbing my hands together and scanning the crowd for anyone I recognized. “Where are you from?”
She unclenched her jaw just enough to ask, “Are you married?”
I sat back and opened my mouth. That infringes on the number one thing to not ask, but I suppose being married is different from divorced. I can see why you would want to know if there was a present, non-ex in the picture.
“Uh,” I waved my hand. “Divorced. Married for four years, divorced, single, and childless for twenty-four.” More information than she asked, but I figured I’d cover everything.
She took a sip of her green tea. “I am from a province called Ningxia.” She set the cup down, not letting it go, and looked directly back at me. Waiting. Watching.
I squirmed. “How did you come to the States?”
“I was accepted to a university in Beijing. While I was there I fell in love with one of the teachers. He took me back to America.”
I read in her rigid body language she did not want to continue, but I couldn’t help being drawn in to the romantic story. “What was his name?”
Her eyes narrowed briefly. “Matthew.” She looked down at the tea cup in her hand. “I thought it was a beautiful name. Then I come here to find so many Matthews.” For the first time, her face broke from her firm expression and shifted into profound annoyance.
I laughed. “Yeah, there are some names I refused to name my child, back when I actually thought I would have any, and Matthew was definitely one of them.”
We sat in silence until the man returned with a plate of dumplings.
“Jiaozi,” she said. “Dumplings.” She pointed at the round, fluffy ones, “Shuǐjiǎo is boiled,” and then to the thin, browner ones, “Guōtiē is fried.”
I smiled. The language sounded so strange to me and yet with its own beauty. “Jeeowza?” I tried.
She laughed. “Sounds like Jee Ow Dza.”
I tried again. “Joweza?”
She shook her head. I noticed she kept herself from laughing again. Her mask slid back into place.
“Funny,” I said pointing to the fried ones, “how those are thinner since fried food usually makes you fat.”
She nodded, moving the dumplings from their serving plates to hers with expert flicks of her chopsticks.
I stabbed at the dumplings with mine. I knew how to use them, but my hands shook. “Er, well. I was in the Navy. Did my time and retired when I could. I went to Bangkok, Thailand once. Once is all you need, eh?”
I smiled, she was not amused. Come to think of it, most girls aren’t by that joke.
“I liked the food there.”
Nothing.
“I thought I would be in the Navy for my whole life. I thought I would die on the ship and they would toss my body into the great big ocean. Little did I know that it wouldn’t take long them to try to keep me from jumping off instead!”
I laughed, she didn’t.
What do you think of the revision? Is this craft book something you will get to help you with your writing?